Why do some marriages fail while others succeed? Dr. Gottman can predict with 90% accuracy which couples are going to make it -- and which will not. His advice may come too late to save your current marriage, but following the steps outlined below will help to ensure your next relationship is healthy and long-lived.
There are simple steps you can take to keep your marriage alive and healthy. Here are some ideas, which are described in detail in my book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
- Seek help early.
- Edit yourself.
- Be careful how you “start up” a conversation.
- A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife.
A husband’s ability to be persuaded by his wife is so critical because, research shows, women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband is able to do so as well. - Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds.
- Successful couples know how to exit an argument.
- Focus on the bright side.
Quiz: What makes marriages work?
For the last 25 years at the Family Research Lab at the University of Washington, Dr. John Gottman has studied what he calls the “masters and disasters” of marriage. He studies heart-rate, facial expression, and how people talk about their relationship to each other and to other people; from his research, he’s able to predict with 90% accuracy which couples are going to make it, and which will not. Test the strength of your marriage in this relationship quiz prepared by Dr. Gottman. Give yourself one point for each “yes” answer to the following statements.
- I can name my partner’s best friends.
- I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing.
- I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately.
- I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.
- I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life.
- I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.
- I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.
- When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner.
- I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately.
- My partner really respects me.
- There is fire and passion in this relationship.
- Romance is definitely still part of our relationship.
- My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship.
- My partner generally likes my personality.
- Our sex life is mostly satisfying.
- At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me.
- My partner is one of my best friends.
- We just love talking to each other.
- There is lots of give and take (both people have influence) in our discussions.
- My partner listens respectfully, even when we disagree.
- My partner is usually a great help as a problem-solver.
- We generally mesh well on basic values and goals in life.
Above 12:
7 to 12:
6 or fewer yes answers:
To learn more about what makes marriages work, read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work